Hack and Carve

I, Rachael Echo Carver, being of sound mind (HAHAHA) and body (HELL YES), do hereby bequeath upon my brother and beloved all of my worldly possessions, including but not limited to the care and custody of our child.

And now I'll be stabbing myself in the throat. Just saying. If I don't get some time away from the squalling kid, I'm going to do it. Either myself or him! Hmph!

Horrifying.

I never ever ever want to do that again.

I'm just saying. I know everyone's meant to be all "oh it wasn't so bad" and "I'd do it over a million times just to look into my child's eyes for the first time again" and "It was amazing, hardly hurt at all" once it's over. Not me. I was four seconds away from telling them to just take my uterus while they were in there getting the baby.

Yes, that's right. For those that didn't hear, I wound up having an emergency c-section early this morning. As in about 2 AM. Remember me saying the kid was never moving? Apparently I wasn't far off. I was fully dilated as of about 11:45 PM last night, and they had me trying to push for two hours. Nothing. Happened. No, really. Nothing. Tiny bits of movement, but then it would reverse. Do you know how fucking painful that is? I was miserable, but they kept telling me "try, Rachael, try" and I WAS fucking trying, and then I started crying horribly. And Ter threatened to hit someone. Of course.

Within five minutes of all of that, they had me prepped for the c-section. Less than 10 minutes later... well, you should all see for yourselves.



Why yes, he DOES already have the smug-arse look of the rest of the twats in our family, thank you for noticing.

(And yes, for those of you who wonder, because you don't know me at all... I love him dearly. Shut the fuck up now)

I've decided this baby is never coming. NEVER COMING. Not ever. Seriously. It's wedged in and isn't planning to move forever. I'm essentially carrying around a two week old in my uterus! Two weeks overdue is ridiculous. Especially when they said I might go EARLY. What the fuck?

I cannot watch more more instant of TV. I cannot read one more word on the internet. I cannot pick up another book. I am ready for this fucking kid to get out now. Now. I DO NOT HAVE THE PATIENCE FOR THIS SHIT.

I'm about to cut it out of myself. Seriously. My ribs are fucking bruised. It's kicking me in the bladder at least a million times a day. It's head is so low I feel like I could reach down and touch it, but OH NO. I'm not even DILATED! No contractions other than fucking Braxton Hicks that aren't doing anything AT ALL. It. Is. Never. Coming.

I feel like warmed over shite.

Just thought everyone should know.

This cold on top of morning sickness? Yeah... fuck right the hell off.

Mummy, Daddy, Ter

It's my BIRTHDAY!

Mum and Daddy, we need to have a sit-down and discuss some things, please.

Perhaps someday, the world will learn not to piss off our family.

Perhaps. I doubt it, very much, but they might surprise us.

I MAY have stabbed a man who was rude to me.

And by "may" I mean "did". Of course.

Just so everyone's aware...

Yes, I am.

Happy!Rach is happy.

thank you. That is all.

Way too much to drink.

Way too many other recreational things.

I may actually be completely and utterly INSANE.

Beyond mad.

I really need to go out. Itchy as fuck. Probably itchier than I've ever been.